It’s 3:45 in the morning as I write this (though who knows when I will actually post it, since the catalyst for the post still feels too raw), and I am asking myself, “Why?”
How many times have you found yourself struggling in/through what seems to be an impossibly hard situation, constantly asking yourself “WHY? Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me?” And how many times has the answer been “Because you love too deeply?”
It can be devastatingly painful when you get it wrong, but
when you get it right…
Deep Love between Partners:
I thought I had a “Deep Love between Partners” story to share. Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to question everything I thought I knew about him, his commitment and his integrity.
So…. ???
Loving your Friends Deeply:
A couple decades ago, I had a falling out with one of my best friends. As I’m writing this, I have to pause for a moment in contemplation…
I don’t know that I would call it a “falling out”, per se… It was more of a temporary (thank goodness) “break”. But it was over a year long.
And it was a HARD year without her in my life because I love her more than just about everyone else in the world. And there are definitely times when I DO love her more than ANYONE in the world. (Sorry not sorry to my kids, sibs & parents—ya’ll should be nicer to me! LOL).
But things (temporarily) fell apart for us. Because I loved her deeply. I loved her too much to NOT say some really hard things. And hard things said are often equally hard to hear.
But, back to the story: Several people had expressed some very specific concerns to me about my best friend. They came to me because none of them felt comfortable enough to talk to her. She is the type of person who is always willing to listen with an open mind and heart, but because she is so loving and sensitive, none of them wanted to hurt her feelings. Yet, the conversation needed to happen. And I loved her enough to have that conversation with her.
I talked to her about the concerns that had been relayed to me- I didn’t name names, and gave only general examples, not specifics. She was, as expected, hurt and confused. She didn’t understand why these friends would have conversations ABOUT her, rather than talking TO her about their concerns and frustrations. There were a lot of tears, a little anger, and then a lot more tears and hurt. It was a hard conversation. It hurt and I hated to do it, but once it had been brought to my attention, I loved her too deeply to stand by in silence. I was willing to have a hard conversation.
I was willing to say things that I knew would be really hard to say (and hear). I KNEW it would hurt her feelings, but I loved her enough to recognize that it was important that she hear the concerns of people who love her. There were repercussions, of course, but loving deeply meant taking that risk. Loving Deeply placed a strain on our friendship that lasted… too long.
However, we worked it out because the deep love trifecta existed between us.
Because we recognized and embraced the trifecta of deep love, it allowed for healing, reconciliation and ultimately a stronger, better, deeper friendship.
I would, without hesitation, walk through fire or take a bullet for her. She would do the same for me.
I love her deeply.
Being Deeply Loved by a Friend:
When I underwent surgery back in 2013, my insurance company scheduled the procedure to occur in Oregon due to the exorbitantly high costs for the same procedure in Alaska.
The surgery required that I have someone with me who could attend pre-op and post-op appointments, take me to & from surgery, manage my medications, and monitor my recovery in the hotel afterwards.
I was single at the time, so there was no partner to help. I was estranged from my mom and not even sure what state (or country) she was in. My dad lived out of state (and I wouldn’t want him doing the aftercare on me). While I had/have many, many friends, and a good handful of very close friends, I knew it was a lot to ask of someone (who is not your partner).
I asked one sister – she was… reluctant to take time off work to travel and assist me.
Nope.
I asked another sister, who said she *might* be able to go. Then she said, “I could use a vacation.”
Nope.
I thought about this best friend. I knew her life was busy – a F/T job, two kids and a husband, plus all the demands and activities that go with being supermom, super wife, super friend, and super employee.
I hesitated, then I picked up the phone.
I told her what was happening. She was thrilled for me, knowing what this surgery would mean.
She talked to her husband. He loves her and he knows what our friendship means to each of us, so he agreed she should go/come. She talked to her boss at her job and arranged to take some vacation time (It was hardly a vacation for her) on relatively short notice (in the middle of summer). She and her husband rearranged their jobs, kids’ schedules, commitments, THEIR LIVES, so she could be there for me.
Their orderly lives were willingly (and cheerfully) disrupted for ME. <3
And did I mention she lived in a different COUNTRY? She flew down from Canada to help me.
🇨🇦 ➡️ ✈️ ➡️ 🇺🇸
How many amazing friends do you have in your life that will upend their world to be there for you? She is one.
But it was even more than that. Prior events in her life made hospitals and surgical centers a place of struggle for her. I did not understand the emotional toll it took on her every time she had to walk into that surgical center with me (pre-op, surgery & post-op). It wasn’t until later, when it peaked, that she told me. She hadn’t told me before because she knew I needed the help and she wanted to be there for me. She didn’t want ME to worry about HER.
She has always been that way. She doesn’t demur or even hesitate when someone she loves is in need. She doesn’t complain. She just jumps in and helps. She’s quick to sacrifice herself, her time, her heart. She IS the friend who has walked through the gates of hell to get me out. More than once.
That’s LOVING DEEPLY.
I have other examples, of course. And I hope you have our own (feel free to share one in the comments). These stories with happily ever after endings were only possible because of the trifecta that is Deep Love.
Have you figure out the three parts of loving deeply yet?
I’ve talked about, but not explained it… so here it is:
The Trifecta of Loving Deeply:
You love someone deeply
The person you love also loves you deeply
Each recognizes the deep love of the other and makes the relationship and the other’s needs a priority.
(Just be careful who you bestow it on!)
I’ll close with this.
