How do you introduce someone who is like a part of your very soul? For me, I do it like this:
I’ve known Stephanie since our freshman year of college, and she has been one of my best friends ever since. She and I have navigated life together for over three decades, each acting as a rudder to the other on occasions when we couldn’t find the way on our own.
Her words on navigating grief during the holidays come from her own personal experiences. You can see from her wise words below just one of the many ways she is a true and sage blessing in my life.
First, let me say if you are here because your heart is aching due to loss, I’m sending you a big hug. I’m so sorry for the circumstances that brought about your loss.
If you are here because you love someone who is grieving this holiday season and want to know how to help, I’m sending you a hug, too. Because you are literally an Earth angel to the one you care about.
We’ve all been there – the feeling that bubbles up when the first store plays holiday music, or the first string of pretty lights brightens someone’s house. That feeling of excitement and anticipation. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, as the song goes.
Except when it isn’t.
Holidays can be stressful at the best of times. When you are emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted due to grieving, the prospect of more obligations, invites and pretend smiles can turn even the most outgoing of us into wishing we could just disappear until January 2nd.
I cannot erase your pain or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do; even though when we are in the fog of grief, sometimes we feel as though it will split us in two to have to make one more decision. Rather, I wanted to offer suggestions and you can see what resonates with you.
The following list is not exhaustive, and at times, may appear contradictory. This is because there is no one way to grieve, nor survive the holidays. It will look different for each person – all you need to know is that as long as you are doing no actual harm to yourself or others, you are doing the ‘right’ thing(s).
One last thing – none of these suggestions is meant to erase your pain. You are grieving because your heart and soul were full of love and now the focus of all that beauty is gone. We feel hollow and directionless and so very, very tired. I only want to try and ease the weariness of the holidays. Your loved one is irreplaceable, and these are band-aids to help you get through – the hard work will still be waiting on the other side of the holidays.
It is okay to say ‘no’.
Maybe in years prior you have been the planner.The coordinator. The go-to, unwavering, steadfast, reliable person. Give yourself permission to say ‘no’. I know this may be a shock to some of you, but you are not a superhero. The world will survive if you say, ‘no’.
If you say ‘yes’, give yourself permission to say so tentatively. Maybe that looks like not hosting anything at your residence, but rather, a tentative yes to attending elsewhere. Because we never know when that grief bubble will pop.When the ebb and flow becomes a crashing wave. And the tentative yes must change so that we can care for ourselves.
Change your geography.
Is your house, town, state, or country too full of memories? Perhaps a friend’s house, a bed and breakfast, a road trip, or an all-inclusive resort will help ease the weight of remembering.
Have a ‘person’.
You know what I mean.That friend or sibling that you can call. Night or day. While you are sobbing and incoherently expressing your pain and hurt. And they will sit there. And loving you. Supporting you and your decisions. Gently encouraging. Maybe they can be your ‘plus one’. Maybe they can help you shop so you can limit your exposure to stores and forced cheeriness. You need a person. Even if you do not end up needing them. Just knowing they are there – that can be the difference.
Practise grace.
I know it is hard sometimes. People will say and do things that pierce your heart. And you wonder if this person can truly care for you when they have said or done something that causes you pain. Practise grace. Take a deep breath.Maybe several. And remind yourself that by the grace of a larger plan, they have not had their soul hollowed out. Because none of us would wish this on anyone. If someone is unintentionally hurtful, try to have a polite way to excuse yourself in your back pocket and talk to your person.
All that is good and loving in me, I am sending to each of you. You WILL get through this season. However you choose to celebrate and acknowledge this season, know that you are worthy of peace and love.
