Hollow. Empty. Void.
There are some days where we feel completely spent- whether that be emotionally, physically, spiritually, or some other way.
We feel like there is nothing left.
Sometimes, it’s just a part of us that is spent- maybe our heart, perhaps our mental energy and wherewithal, or our spirit. It’s something most of us have experienced in one capacity or another.
This labyrinth walk, from September 2021, was an exploration- my effort to find an explanation for the source of the “lack” that I feel. The void.
My question, as I entered the labyrinth: Where or what is the source of this void I feel and what does it mean?
I’m not sure what I expected during this walk. Answers, of course.
Preferably in a way that would make sense without me having to puzzle over the potential meaning.
Fortunately, it took no time to decipher the meaning, though it took me a while to articulate it here. I needed some time to determine how to maintain some degree of privacy over the details of the last 15 months of my personal life, while still sharing the labyrinth walk experience.
I received answers- Fast. Pointed. (Yes, that pun was intended.)
Abuse of trust.
Intentional and deliberate hurt.
It is a whole different level of hurt, betrayal and pain when someone that you trust, really trust, is deliberate and intentional about causing you hurt.
I once read the phrase “soul-shaking grief”. It was in reference, I think, to the loss of a child due to a drunk driver. The phrase stuck with me, though it’s been more than a decade since I recall reading it. It accurately encapsulated how I felt, and sometimes still feel. The feel of the contradiction of the void. (Ok, I fully admit- that sounds completely bizarre!)
If there is nothing ‘there’- in the void – then is stands to reason that there would be nothing to feel. After all, that space where you would feel something is… empty, right?
Or, alternately, if there is nothing ‘there’, there is ample room to fill the empty space with pain.
When you choose to trust someone- not naively, but trusting them based on their words, actions and stated intentions, it is a whole different, deeper level of vulnerability.
And when that vulnerability is exploited, when that trust is willfully abused and betrayed- for the primary purpose of causing you hurt – can you ever, truly recover?
I know people have stories… a lot of people and a lot of stories. Journeys they have taken on the path to healing.
Part of me wants to hear the stories. And part of me can’t imagine the strength it would take to help bear the burden of someone else’s desecrated heart & spirit, when you yourself are already weighed down, trapped in your own purgatory.
Fear of irrevocable damage to my faith and trust in people
Kintsugi is an ancient Japanese practice which demonstrates that broken things that have been repaired are more beautiful for the damage they have undergone.
I love that idea, and I want to apply that concept to my fractured faith in people.
WIth kintsugi, the broken pottery would be sealed back together with lacquer, then dusted with gold powder. With people, it is knowing that we all have foibles and flaws and being willing to accept the good with the bad.
Fear that the damage done is as much about my faith and trust in God as it is about anything else.
When I think of how the bond between me God has been bruised and broken, I find myself asking, “Is this (another) test (of faith)?” and, even more worrisome, “Is my faith damaged beyond repair?”
The damage from my trust being abused and the intentional hurt were the matches and kindling to doubting my faith in God. The very idea of losing my faith, too, is like gasoline. It is so profound and staggering that I don’t want to consider it.
I’m not exactly sure how to reconcile all this- it’s part of the journey, I supposed.
Finding my way back is part of the journey tooo, though I’m struggling to have confidence in both the path and the destination.
Nonetheless, onward and upward…(I Hope.)
