More, not Less

I dedicate this post to a recent sleepless night.

Have you ever had one of those nights? Nights where insomnia rules and sleeplessness is about more than a busy mind that won’t quit.

It was one of those nights.

Let me back up a bit… It would make more sense to say that I went to bed after praying for answers, frustrated (and angry) that I hadn’t gotten a ‘response’. Then I sank into this weird dream and couldn’t shake it or wake from it… until I recognized this WAS the response and I had to figured out the ‘message’.

The lesson/message was: “More, not Less”.

The dream began in the pool at APU. Initially, I assumed it was because I have been lap swimming there five days a week, but I realized there was more to it than that.

In the dream, I was swimming late in the evening because I had skipped my morning swim. I was finally in the pool, beginning my laps, but I had procrastinated for so long and was so reluctant to be there that I just couldn’t get it together enough to do a stroke properly or even make it a full length of the pool.

As I over analyzed that snippet of my dream, it made me think it was God’s way of saying that if I wait too long, I’ll miss the lesson. Or maybe it meant something else? Or was meant for someone else?

In the next segment of my dream, my beloved friend M has suddenly appeared in my dream (and I’m no longer at the pool). She’s hiding her frustration about something, but let’s it slip- in the dream, things are amiss with A, and her commentary suggests that other people’s interference is to blame… then she seems to shake off that excuse and recognize that she has to address the issue with A herself and not blame others for her/their communication issues. She then fades from the dream, presumably to do just that.

Or maybe she faded out because I understood the message she was there to deliver (that we are responsible for what and how we communicate).

Enter a scene from the movie, “When a Man Loves a Woman”, starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan (two of my favorite actors and a long-time favorite movie…) It’s about love redeemed, people owning their imperfections and people loving other equally imperfect (but in different ways) people… If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch.

One scene from the movie repeats several times in my dream– again, I assume, until I ‘got the point’ of it.

Long story short (but not really)…. is this: With the right people, when you can admit/own your mistake, you are loved MORE, not less. Demonstrating vulnerability (to the right people) opens your heart to give and receive love; it doesn’t close your heart to love or being loved.

One of my besties, Stephanie, is a classic example of this reality. It was Stephanie who told me almost three decades ago (in a handwritten note) that she saw through my tough, ‘never shows hurt feelings’ facade. She wrote that she knew it was my way of trying to protect myself from other people hurting me. She ended the note by saying that she loved me even more for my deep sensitivity- which was ironic since it is something I tried to hide from the world.

That note from Stephanie shook me… her simple statement of what she knew to be true (that I am very sensitive, though I try so hard to hide it) cemented our lifelong friendship even further. I always perceived my sensitivity to be my greatest weakness, so I worked (and still work) hard to hide it, especially when I am afraid of being hurt. Instead of my normal “WALL” to hide my feelings/hurt, I know I have a safe space with her- a place where I don’t have to be so tough and emotionless all the time. It’s why I love her so much; I don’t have to be ‘perfectly in control’ of my feelings and I don’t have to hide my hurt. I have that with very few people. She loves me MORE, not less because of it.

Why am I sharing this with with you? I think we could all stand to learn this lesson. We don’t have to be ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ for the right people. With the right people, we can admit we made a bad decision, or screwed up or handled something poorly and we’ll be loved even MORE for our honesty, ownership and imperfections, not less.

The ‘right’ people don’t revel in the “I told you so” mentality. They empathize with our hurt, and can honestly, and gently redirect us to the lessons, along with some good advice on how to proceed.

Find the right people.

Find the right people who will love you for your humanity, imperfections, and vulnerability.