My friend Jamie is an absolute Godsend. 100%. She has this gift of knowing the right thing to say. Unfortunately, because I am sometimes ridiculously human, there are times when she says something insightful, but I am not in a space where I want to hear it. Nonetheless, when I (ahem) finally pull myself together enough to consider her wise words, they always resonate and have a truth I need to hear.
A Friday in August was one such occasion.
I had been riding what I call the ‘struggle bus’. My life was not going the way I had planned, and I was feeling pretty defeated by life.
My faith was wavering and the the very thought of trying to be optimistic just made me feel more tortured.
There was one problem after another, and all my careful planning for how my summer and fall would unfold was unraveling.
I was frustrated, angry, despondent, anxious…. if there was a negative emotion – I was feeling it.
Jamie, who knew I was planning to leave state shortly, was going out of her way to spend time with me. And, because she is such an amazing friend, her weekly commutes to Anchorage came with more than pep talks. Jamie was helping me complete multiple errands, organizing things, packing and moving boxes, painting and completing random repairs and maintenance projects. Interspersed with all these activities were the aforementioned pep talks, prayers on my behalf and thoughtful conversations.
Anyone who knows me recognizes that I tend to be uncomfortably honest, and because Jamie accepts me just as I am- on good days and bad days- I know I can be completely honest with her.
So I shared everything I was thinking and feeling- it all came pouring out in a torrent of words. Most importantly, I admitted that my faith was really struggling and I didn’t know what to do.
Jamie reminded me of all the good things in my life, and encouraged me to focus on those things, and not on the things I feel I lack.
Then, Jamie said something that hit me at the very core of my being. She said, “Sometimes, it’s hard to be grateful.“
We had a good, long hug (I needed that!) and then she headed home.
Want to know the weirdest thing? That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
Yes, I am luckier than I realize. I have an amazing of community friends all around me.
I appreciated that Jamie could articulate part of my frustration. That yes, I should absolutely be grateful for the life I have. But also that sometimes it’s hard to be grateful, despite all that.
