Part 3 of "Lessons on The Five Love Languages"
The third in a four part series, where I share what I learned about the Five Love Languages.
Also known as the lesson where I get “schooled” on what my love languages actually are, versus what I *thought* they were.
It was a humbling lesson (see part 2) to learn that I didn’t know myself nearly as well as I thought.
I mean, I thought I knew what I needed to feel loved and fulfilled, but even if I got it (whatever IT is), I was still not feeling loved/fulfilled… because it turns out that what I got was not *really* what I wanted/needed…
Under circumstances like that, how could *anyone* ever win with me?
We (Ken & I) spent the remainder of that session unpacking each of the five love languages and “deep diving” into what each one meant to me (and why). Tuns out he was right about the ranking. (Should I be worried that he knew me better than I knew myself?)
As I talked it through with him, I was able to understand myself, my reactions and my reasoning more clearly. My eyes were opened a little wider, and I was able to see myself more clearly. I’m sharing it with the hope that it helps you in some way, too.
Caveat:
I don’t have the answers for you and your situation because I’m not you and I don’t know your story…. Consequently, some of this may resonate with you, and some of it will seem like complete rubbish. This is what they represent to me, and why. You can take whatever works for you and throw the rest out the window. No offense will be taken by me.
5th place
GIFTS
Hands down, gifts is my least favorite love language. Receiving gifts causes a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and I visually cringe. It’s taken DECADES to temper my responses. Pleas don’t let that upset you or think I am unappreciative.
I DO like receiving presents. It’s not the present I detest. It’s the (often non-existent) strings that I *think* are attached.
Where did that sense of dread come from? For the duration of my childhood, I remember gifts coming hand in hand with a heaping dose of indebtedness. Let me try to explain in a way that doesn’t make me look like an ungrateful tool…
When I give a gift, a simple “Thank you” is enough. If I “knocked it out of the park” with my gift to you, an extra effusive “thank you” is appreciated. That’s it. The end. You have no further obligation and I have no further expectations.
Unfortunately, that is not how I was raised. To this day, my mother likes to remind me about what she sacrificed in order for us to have XYZ. In many instances, I wasn’t interested and never wanted XYZ, but SHE thought I should have it (appearances are important to her). It was a lose-lose situation. I didn’t want it to begin with, but was now indebted to her (FOR LIFE) because she got it for me.
You have a gift for me?
NO THANK YOU!
I seldom give tangible gifts, but I do find joy in a gift that makes you happy, brightens your day or eases your life in some small way. However, you are never expected to get me a gift of equal value (or equal “awesomeness”) for Christmas, my birthday or any other occasion. You don’t even need to write me a thank you note! (If it was something sent by mail, a quick phone call and thank you (so I know you received it) is all I ask in return.)
4th place
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
falls in at #4 for my love language.
it’s not the worst love language, and I do appreciate compliments and affirmations, but I tend to be cynical, though I cover it well. In the back of my head, I am wondering, “Why are they being so nice and what do they want?”
There is no particular reason why.
Once burned, twice shy. I’m no different from anyone else. Like many of you, my kindness and generosity has been taken advantage of by “users”. I’ve trusted people, only to find I’ve been manipulated by a smooth talker. It’s part of life, and it’s important to not let it jade me. Yet, that’s easier said than done.
As my grandma Dodson used to say, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Nevertheless, I’ll continue to try to be kind, to be generous, and to assume that people have the best intentions, even though I know I’ll sometimes be disappointed and find out I was wrong.
Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down. Friends talk about you when you're not around. People make promises that they never keep and I've come to realize talk is cheap.
3rd place
none
2nd place (tie)
Touch Quality Time
Quality time and Touch flip flop so consistently in my ranking, that it makes sense to give them both 2nd place.
Holding hands, impromptu hugs and random cuddles are a staple of my closest relationships– you don’t even have to be my SO to have that level of familiarity with me! While I tend to be very selective about who I let into my innermost psychological and emotional space, I cannot deny that I crave physical connection. And part of physical connection means being in the same space, together.
We can be two people in a roomful of people and I can still appreciate a level of togetherness and intimacy that nourishes my need for quality time. It may be a look we exchange across a room or a shared smile from a private joke, but just being together in the same space, and knowing you’re there to be near me, wherever we are, demonstrates your affection for me.
1st place
ACT OF SERVICE
Do you want to quickly and easily worm your way into my heart? Acts of Service is your golden ticket. I’m not sure why this wasn’t my immediate #1 choice when Ken first talked to me about the Five Love Languages, but after he asked me to share instances where I felt loved and cherished, acts of service kept coming up over and over. To me, Acts of Service is like getting three love languages in one…
It is a gift when someone expends their time and energy to do something that makes my life a little easier. To me, its the trifecta of love!
Actions speak louder than words.
There you have it… my top 3 love languages and why they mean so much to me, as well as my bottom two choices — words of affirmation and gifts.
As we wrapped up the session by recapping my ranking of the five love languages (and why they were ranked that way), I found an unexpected level of peace with myself. It was a good day.
One final question from Ken was this: “Your mother taught you to be wary of gifts, but who taught you to be so untrusting?”
But the answer to that is a topic for a different Therapy Thursday.
Until then ~ go love on someone the way the need to be loved!
XOXO, Sheli
Ready for the Final lesson? Find it here:
How to Love
Part 4 in the Therapy Thursday 5LL (Five Love Languages) series
