Discussions about relationships dominated many of my counseling sessions. As I had explained to Ken- the failing marriage which spurred me into counseling would be my second divorce. And in both instances, I was the one exiting the relationships with no interest in attempting to repair the rifts or reconcile the marriage.
I was anxious to get to the root of my relationship issues and learn tools to help me be successful in future relationships.
I freely acknowledged that I carried as much (if not more) blame than either of my husbands for my marriages’ demise, and recognized that I lacked the skills, tools and language to effectively communicate and resolve the issues between us. Though more than a decade has passed since then, the tools are as effective now as they would have been then. (You have to USE them, of course, in order for them to be effective!)
In this post, I’ll share some of the things I gleaned from those long-past therapy sessions.
Every relationship has struggles, hard times and frustrations. Regrettably, partners do not always treat each other with kindness and grace, especially in times of conflict.
A phrase that came up frequently in sessions was ‘treat people better than they deserve’. As a general rule, ‘treating people better than they deserve’ means choosing kindness, respect and grace rather than being cruel, mean-spirited, contemptuous or disdainful.
Reciprocity
Reciprocity – mutual dependence, action, or influence; a mutual exchange of privileges
We also talked about reciprocity- more specifically, Ken shared how using reciprocity as a barometer to check the ‘health’ of relationships could be very helpful.
The two concepts work very well together.
Treating someone better than they deserve in a relationship and giving generously comes with the understanding of reciprocity.
And, since healthy relationships are based on reciprocity, it is important to ask yourself, “Am I giving more (positivity) than I get– i.e. is there some type of reciprocity”?
Mirroring
Ken also noted that people tend to mirror each other’s behavior- both positively and negatively. He cautioned me to be conscientious of how I respond to others, especially in times of conflict. It’s always good to mirror kindness, respect and grace, and when that’s not what I am receiving – it is most definitely what I should be dispensing.
Balance
There should be balance in your relationships – you should be getting back what you put in, though not necessarily in a tangible form. Regardless of the form it takes, balance should be there.
It’s a lot to reflect on, and it will take even more time, heart and contemplation to to fully understand and internalize the lessons.
What resonated with you most from these lessons?
