Straight talk, right out the gate.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, and I”m not going to mince words.
I’m tired of watching couples treat each other poorly. Specifically, I’m talking about how some women treat their husbands (or boyfriends).
I know so many amazing women who are kind, generous and loving- to me and just about everyone around them. Unfortunately, some of those same women treat their husbands in a way that makes me cringe with every fiber of my being.
I’m not talking about physical abuse. I’m referring to women who talk down to their partners in a way that is downright negative and disrepectful.
And I’m not talking about the occasional short tempered responses. I’m talking about termagants.
Termagants
According to Dictionary.com, a termagant (noun) is “a shrewish woman; scold”.
Merriam-Webster defines a termagant as “an overbearing or nagging woman“
Google’s English dictionary, which is provided by Oxford Languages, defines a termagant as a “harsh-tempered or overbearing woman“
Vocabulary.com defines a termagant as “an insulting name for a woman who likes to nag, scold, or complain“
Are you (part of) the problem?
None of the definitions are particularly flattering, and. I can’t imagine that any woman wants to be known as a termagant. But you have to ask yourself…. Am I a termagant? f you’re not sure, consider whether you commonly exhibit any of the following behaviors, especially towards your partner:
- Speaking in a condescending tone
- Rolling your eyes
- Discounting or dismissing your partner’s opinion or feelings
- Using sarcasm or a sarcastic tone of voice
- Belittling or demeaning your partner
Are you a termagant?
Still not sure if you are a termagant when engaging with your partner? Try asking yourself this: “Do I talk to my friends, colleagues, boss, clients or anyone else with the same tone of voice, demeanor and lack of regard?”
Let me be clear- no relationship is perfect, and no partner is perfect, but if you commonly exhibit any of those behaviors when engaging with your partner, then you are part of the problem.
Stop making excuses
Or should I say HALT your excuses. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely & Tired.
We commonly lose our patience, self-control, manners and respect for others when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
But that’s not a good excuse. While it is common for women (especially moms, wives and partners) to forgo basic self care in order to put their family and loved one’s needs first, it is a poor (and unacceptable) excuse for treating someone badly.
Let me put it like this.. can you really reconcile treating someone with disrespect by using the excuse that you love them in other ways?
If that’s your logic, then maybe trying “loving” them less and treating them better!
If you feel attacked and defensive by this, then I suggest that you take a breath and do some serious self-reflection.
I’m not a misogynist, and I’m not here to bash on other women. I’m the first to admit that I’m no saint. I’ve been unkind and disrespectful to past boyfriends, partners and husbands, but never to the level that I’ve witnessed these past few weeks. It’s sad and horrifying and disappointing and… tragic. And that’s why I am writing about it.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking (obsessing, really) about this recently. I’ve always enjoyed people-watching, and with all the traveling I’ve been doing lately, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to watch couples (both strangers and friends) and how they interact together and treat each other. When I’m with friends, I have the chance to to see behind their public facades. I’ve been humbled, privileged, disturbed and educated as I’ve watched couples. I see healthy relationships, unhealthy relationship and relationships in turmoil and/or transition.
I can’t imaging that anyone who wants and values a healthy and loving relationship wants to be on either end of disrespect. So what can you do about it?
Healing Hearts and Restoring Respect & Relationships
If you’ve already taken the time to reflect on how you interact with people you love, and you recognize that you have a tendency to treat them with any level of disrespect, I applaud you for your courage and willingness to be honest with yourself.
Being self-aware is the first step.
But you also have to be willing to change your behavior in order to to have any hope of changing tthe dynamics of your relationship into something healthier.
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I’m just a woman trying to live and love happier and healthier, and hoping to help others do the same.
I don’t have all the answers and will never pretend that I do. But here are a couple ideas that may help you:
- Live by the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Yes, that’s easier said than done sometimes (e.g. HALT), so practice taking several deep breaths when you feel yourself losing patience and then begin again (with truth and kindness).
- Contemplate the company you keep. How do the couples around you engage with each other? Do you feel better or worse about how you treat your partner after seeing how they treat theirs? (Hint: If you feel better, then remember that the company you keep says a lot about you. If you feel worse, then try to implement some of the healthy behaviors you see them using.)
- Hear Hard Truths. Listen, hear & understand. Do you have 2-3 friends or family around you that you know, love and trust enough to ask them for feedback about what they see in your interactions with yoru partner? Are you willing to ask them if they will (kindly and gently) signal and/or communicate to you when they feel your words or behavior are unkind and disrespectful (secret hand signal, code word, etc.)? Then, be GRATEFUL and POSITIVE when they have the courage to call you out for poor behavior.
- Rely on Resources (like Reading). Why re-invent the wheel? There are a lot of personal growth and relationship books out there that can equip you with better tools for conversations, conflicts, and relationships overall. (I’ve read a fair number of them.) A few weeks ago, I stumbled across an excerpt from a book called Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love (by Nancy Dreyfus). Although I have not finished reading it, what little I read has already had a profound affect on me. (Just ask the people around me… I keep talking about it!)
You should also consider checking out books (and workshops and relationship tools) by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They discuss the four horsemen of relationship struggles (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling), which dovetails with the concerning behaviors I wrote about seeing.
If you’ve read this far, thank you.
You already have tools to begin improving your relationships. If necessary (e.g. things are not getting better), seek outside help. Individual/Marriage/family/relationship counseling can be a tremendous help.
